Royal Wedding 2011

 So it seems that Britain, along with the rest of the world, may be sliding into economic recession.  But the gray skies of financial downturn just might give way to the sunshine rays of euphoria.  Nothing delights the groveling serfs of Britain more than a Royal wedding, and one lady in particular seems determined to make this event happen.  Ah yes, good old Kate Middle(class)ton, or “Waitey Katey”, as the British press so callously refer to her.  She should thank her lucky stars (and her rigorous daily work-out) that it is not ”Weighty Katie.”  Indeed, Kate is following the royal tradition of “beautiful bride marries balding groom.”  When Charles married his virginal lamb-to-the-slaughter, Lady Diana Spencer, the wedding was a national holiday, with memorabilia to boot.  Poorly-drawn facial portraits of the couple (where Diana looks like a teenage boy) appeared on a plethora of tea-towels, decanters, and balloons.  Britons embraced the royal wedding, which provided a great deal of distraction from the economic downturn of the late 70s.  It was a fairytale moment; even the wicked witch was enjoying herself (Camilla Parker Bowles was a wedding guest).  Of course, Camilla hadn’t emerged yet (at least publically) and the world satiated its ravenous appetite for pure, contented delusion.

Well, Miss Middleton is likely no virgin and she refuses to be a lamb (unless the occasion calls for it).  Kate, or shall I say Catherine, has treaded the fine line of royal lady and modern woman with gusto.  She dresses with an air of sophistocation and glamour, though her skirt is never too high, and a plunging neck-line has been cleverly avoided.  This admirable behaviour is not an accident.  Kate has proven to be clever and calculating; quite an astute lady.  Sure, she probably does love her dashing prince, but this middle-class nobody knows a thing or two - she’s being handed the proverbial silver spoon and few people get it without having been born with it.  Her name could potentially go down in the pages of history, and “Queen Catherine” just has such a historic ring to it.  Indeed, marrying the future King of England involves a certain amount of pragmatic consideration.  Accepting the proposal of a crown prince must rest on reason as well as romance.  After all, marrying William isn’t just marrying William - she will also marry an institution, a powerful family, and a country – all of whom will own her to some extent.

Diana was never Queen.  But you can bet that Kate will hear the choirs sing “Zadok the Priest” as she and her prince are crowned.  She will be Queen; this opportunity will not be missed.  Of course, Diana was very nice - but nice doesn’t catapult one onto the throne.   Sadly, Diana lacked the steely-grit and aristocratic stoicism (why didn’t she have it?) that it takes to become Queen.  Indeed, Kate is not aristocratic, but she does a great job of faking it.  And though she will not be hailed as the “next Diana,” I think she is comparble to another notable royal lady – Anne Boleyn.  Okay, so she’s not exactly stealing William from his barren, Spanish-born wife; but she is a commoner (the daughter of a former gum-chewing flight attendant) closer to reaching the throne than her horse-faced, aristocratic betters.  She has overcome incredible odds, but so did Anne.  Anne’s Queendom was not an accident, and nor will Kate’s be.
Always a good time!

Royal Wedding: Always a good time!

Anne Boleyn was not particularly beautiful, but she refused King Henry’s advances, and he found this irresistable.  She purposely refused the King sex, knowing that such frustrating abstinence would only increase his appetite.  Exchange “sexual-witholding” with “good PR”, and you’ve got Kate’s strategy.  A royal wife should be beautiful, stylish (but not risque), and generally – a good egg.  Kate has created herself in this image, and everyone has taken notice.  The public now desires a Princess Kate (though she’ll probably be a duchess at first), and this was an extremely clever chess move on the royal wedding board.

William evidently loves her, but he must be aware that the public does too.  And do not think for one second that Kate is unaware of how public support will undeniably tip the scales in her favour.  Indeed, the collective will of the public likely has more of a sub-conscious sway over the young prince than he knows. After all, he was born to this life, and has known a lot longer than Kate just how much we own him.  But let us bow down to our future Queen for having the wit to take advantage of this.

Yes, there are those in the press who have nick-named this clever girl “Waitey-Katie”.  A few have even denounced her as nothing more than a lazy toff who refuses to work.  But I tend to think Kate is working very hard indeed.  Some have suggested that Kate’s choice to essentially spend her days “killing time” until William proposes is anti-feminist.  However, the role of Queen is one of the highest offices in the land (Head of State), and these snotty journalists (probably over-weight and jealous) have clearly not considered the alternative – that Kate has found a more appealing way to gain power.  While the rest of us tow the line, working tirelessly to smash the glass ceiling at the top, it would appear Kate Middleton has found a trap door into a secret passage-way.  And this secret passage-way isn’t full of cobwebs, dark shadows, unoffered promotions and sexual harassment.  Some may call it a gilded cage; but our girl Kate knows that prison bars and gold bars are hardly the same thing.

And so I say, wait on Kate.  The proverbial “everyday man/woman on the street” is in your corner, ready to blot up your bloody nose with a towel and squirt some reviving water into your mouth.  Let them take all the punches they want; just remember, they’ll be the ones down for the count, while you claim the highest title in the land.